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How to Choose the Right University?


Where you choose to study could be one of the most important choices you make.  Indeed, it is perhaps a choice too serious to make by yourself, so why not just leave it up to fate?


1. Attend University Fairs

As a potential student, you must remember that "you're worth it!" – really, you may be worth thousands of dollars (euro, pounds, rupees) to a potential institution. University fairs are like speed dating nights, where you’re the pretty, potential date, and the university wants to impress you. Of course, once they get your payment for fees and campus accommodation they may well want to screw you over and dump you. So pick your university at random but use the fairs as a chance to collect all the free pens, chocolates and other goodies they’re giving away. They’ll probably even give you a carrier bag to put them in.  Then take our patented advice and just pick a college at random, maybe throw some I ching stones. That’s how Philip K Dick planned the plot for the Man in the High Castle and that’s the best show on Amazon.


2. Visit them and trust your instinct

Go with your instincts visit the college and get a good feel for it.  It can be amazing how easy it is to miss the obvious till you actually visit a university.  If the university is full of naked creatures lolling behind bars, eating bananas and grooming each other. You’ve probably gone to a zoo by mistake or a party college even bigger mistake.   Neither is likely to give you a good degree; both are likely to give you a communicable disease.  This can be probably avoided by picking a college at random; there are roughly ten times as many good universities as zoos in the world, so 90% the odds are good you won’t end up in a zoo.


3. Check out the alumni

In life, success follows success a course in English who’s alumni are all best-selling authors is a good bet.  If a university is mentioned in an article on places the NSA likes to recruit hackers from, their coding course is good. If a university is only mentioned in terms of America’s Most Wanted, or Celebrity Big Brother’s most naked contestant, maybe give it a miss?  Or just flip a coin, being America’s Most Wanted could be a good career move.


4. Consider the financial aspects

Think about how expensive a university degree is, how much debt you will be in when you graduate.  Consider taking your loan money to the casino or corner shop to buy lottery tickets. Realize how that’s a seriously bad idea.  Write some university names on a piece of paper throw a dart at it, go where it lands. 


5.  Read statistics about the university

Collect some serious information on the university; what are the grade averages of prospective students? How much funding does it receive from sponsors?  What is it’s exam pass rates? Once you have all this information, reduce it to figure numeral indicators.  Buy a roulette wheel and put the university name above the matching numbers and give it a spin.  The numbers that come up are the one you should be attending.



Why Randomization is the Best Method to Create University Rankings?


There are four major systems of university rankings that are usually quoted, and then there’s our completely random system which is better. Why does randomization work best? To understand in more detail let's look at why the other four are inferior.


1. Times Higher Education World University Rankings

One of the oldest and most internationally respected systems.  It suffers from one fatal fault; the Time of London and Times Educational Supplement are both UK papers of records.  And therefore, are duty-bound to rate whichever university it’s famously dim royal family attends as the-the best in the world.

Prince Harry decided not to attend university and therefore if he became King of England, the THE WUR would be obliged to rate “no university” as the best in the world.


2. Academic Ranking of World Universities

This is an old and well-respected ranking system of universities based in Shanghai China. Which is where the problem comes in, the Chinese government is notorious for blocking many search engines.  So whilst their top universities may be full of Noble prize winners with a terrifying work ethic, this ranking system is still flawed. Not least because it’s free from Google’s SEO and pop up advertising, how can you make a fair judgment without that?


3. QS World University Rankings 

Look if they’re going to use an abbreviation in their name do you want to trust them?  Abbreviations? That’s text speak might as well go for the ROFLOL university rating system.


4. US News Best Global Universities Rankings

This is an accurate and well-respected institution is followed by millions of students. So it probably works, but US news? Sounds like they give out ratings for a number of US flags and Donut shops on campus. Or not?  


Our system is full proof our research can’t be challenged. Because we don’t do any and we are bias free because our results are completely random. You won’t regret choosing our recommendation because it’s completely random.


Savitribai Phule Pune University:
#1 in the World in 2017


Pune University has not had it easy as academic institutions go, and this is part of the reason we are delighted to recognize it as the Most Fortunate University in the World in 2017 (according to our reliable random selection methods).  Many universities, upon realizing that the word “fool” was part of their title would simply given up, especially when the subsequent word in their title lead to them frequently to be muddled up with the institution for dried and preserved fruit studies, “Prune University.”


But Savitribai Phule Pune University didn’t let such things hold it back. Founded in 1948 by the Bombay legislature, it can proudly claim to be as old as post-colonial independent India. 


Savitribai Phule Pune University has some outstanding facilities.  This includes the giant Meterwave radio telescope that, unlike most Western institutions, is probably not used for spying on the changing rooms of the womens' sports teams or at yet undiscovered alien species in far off galaxies.


It is also the home of the famed Param supercomputers, reckoned to be the world’s most powerful supercomputers and only occasionally used after hours for working out the odds for sports betting.


In many ways Savitribai Phule Pune University is an elite university having been the alma mater of a great many of India’s leading politicians, prime ministers and media stars. Though judging by the intellectual qualities of most politicians, that maybe no great compliment to Savitribai Phule Pune University. 


Savitribai Phule Pune University was originally named only the University of Pune.  The university was renamed after the famed women’s rights activist Savitribai Phule for her great work fighting for women’s rights during the English occupation of India.  That, and the University of Pune sounds a lot like the "University of Puns," which sounds far too much like an improv comedy night.




Sheffield Hallam University:
#1 in the UK in 2017


According to our true random data generator, Sheffield Hallam is the most fortunate university in the United Kingdom.  Our findings were quite a surprise to the university students, many of who weren’t even aware that it even ranked among the other schools in Sheffield.


Sheffield Hallam has many departments in a plethora of subjects from anthropology to zoology, probably. We’re not really sure as their prospectus hasn’t arrived yet, but as the Best UK University, we’re sure they’ve got lots of disciplines. We're also pretty confident that Sheffield Hallam can boast a proud history of teaching classes and researching things and doing all the great things a top university does.


Sheffield Hallam was founded in 1843 as the Sheffield School of Design and in fact only became an actual university in 1992, having previously only been a polytechnic.  Imagine: it’s only been a real school for 25 years - you could be a university too when you grow up!


Sheffield Hallam’s chancellor is the world-renowned fertility expert Lord Robert Winston.  A man known from his many appearances on the BBC, Lord Winston bears a striking resemblance to comedian Groucho Marx only with an afro.  How many lesser universities wish they had a chancellor who looked like the star of such classics as Duck Soup and A Night at the Opera?


Can any other English university make such a claim? We don’t think so, though legally we can’t promise this as we can’t be bothered to do the research.  So for these reasons and most likely many more you can see why Sheffield Hallam is the UK’s greatest university.



The University of Florida: #1 in the US in 2017


The University of Florida can proudly declare it is the most fortunate university in the United States of America, at least as soon as they send us a cashier's cheque for $500 and we send them a certificate.  Thanks to our patented and infallible system of random selection, we have picked the University of Florida.  It was a close call in ranking with another prestigious institution, but the check from Trump University bounced.


The University of Florida has already had many impressive achievements. It was rated by the Florida Board of Governors as one of the only two preeminent universities in the state, it’s collegiate athletics team, the Florida Gators, has one heck of an impressive tally of victories. Perhaps most importantly, it has recently been downgraded to the "acceptable" level for the number of students attacked by alligators annually. 


The University of Florida has a proud history of looking to the skies, the sea, and even the land, as it receives an impressive range of grants for space, sea and land research. This should in no way be taken as evidence, however, that once academics arrive at the University of Florida the first thing they do is start researching how to escape it and go anywhere else, even outer space.


Furhtermore, it would be positively churlish to point out that if they had a grant for, say, swamp research, the university may have been invaded by marauding alligators less often. If our random results generator says the University of Florida is the best in the world, it simply remains for us to congratulate them.


One of the more unusual features of the University of Florida is its lightning research facility. Here students and faculty can actually initiate lightning strikes with sophisticated equipment. This not only creating the opportunity for lethal pranking, but making the University of Florida one of the few institutions that can genuinely claim lightning doesn’t only strike twice here, but repeatedly.


Meet Linkoping University: #1 in 2016


Which university is the best in 2016? That’s easy: Linkoping University. We selected it randomly and, as has been proven, scientifically random selection is the best.


Why is Linkoping University the best?  That’s a more complex question. At first, our researchers read it’s abbreviated name, LiU, and thought it was in China or Vietnam. So, they wrote us 2000 words about why China has the best universities and then had to scrap that.


Nevertheless, Linkoping University is in Sweden, and it still is the best. Why? Well, Sweden is the home of IKEA, so there’s probably several branches near LiU, and students like cheap IKEA furniture, so you’ll have plenty of chances to buy Billi Book Cases and assemble them yourself.  Not to mention, this means you'll never be too far away from cheap, wholesome IKEA meatballs with lingonberry jam. 


Sweden is also where lots of moody Scandinavian murder mysteries are filmed, so you can take a selfie of yourself on set wearing a chunky jumper. Who doesn't want a cameo in the background of Kenneth Branagh's Wallander series?


Finally, we chose it randomly from over 2000 institutions. This makes it seem like a really lucky university, so there’s a chance something good will happen to you whilst you study there.



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